Starting Over After Divorce: Your Guide to a New Beginning

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Starting over after divorce can be intimidating and overwhelming. To be honest, none of us expected to be in this position when we said exchanged vows with the person we believed was our forever partner. Whether you’re recently separated, in the process of divorce, or trying to do some math to ensure you can live on one income, you’re in good company. 

I’ve spent nearly my entire adult life as a wife. In fact, there are TikTok and Instagram reels circulating that say, “I don’t know how to be a girlfriend. I want to make you coffee, curl up watching football together, embarrass our kids, and chase sunsets with you.” I’m a romantic at heart, and I love love and believe in love so much that even though I experienced unthinkable pain in my last marriage, I believe that my man is out there. 

So how do you begin to start over? What if you can’t bear the thought of being alone with your thoughts while the kids are at their Dad’s house for a week? Trust me. It’s not easy at first, and you will struggle, but with a plan and support, you can and will overcome this! Keep reading for my top tips for starting over after divorce.

The Emotional Rollercoaster

There will be highs and lows, even if you are the one who asked for a divorce. The best advice I can give you is to take care of yourself and your kids, if you have children. Allow yourself to process every feeling. 

Self-Care and Well-Being

This one was difficult for me. When my second husband betrayed me, I was in the best shape of my life. I prioritized water intake, was lifting heavy weights, and he still cheated. Once he moved out (6 years later), I was able to start taking care of myself again.

Here are a few of the things that I make a point to utilize as a practice of self-control and self-care:

• Therapy – I used my EAP (employee assistance program) through work to schedule therapy sessions. I was still so resentful after all this time, and most folks don’t understand, and if they do…they don’t want to drum up their own feelings. Your experience may be a trigger for their own betrayal, pain, grief. Don’t take it personal.
• Pedicures – I don’t go often but every 2-3 months, I get an amazing foot massage and gel pedicure. Because I work on a computer all day, I am not getting manicures. I’ve even tried dip nails, and my nail bed is destroyed after just one appt.
• I quit drinking completely – Nothing good comes from alcohol. I grew up going to AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) and NA (Narcotics Anonymous) meetings due to my stepdad’s addiction. I have an addictive personality, soI struggle with self-control. 
• Exercise – Once my ex husband moved out of the house, I started going to the gym nearly everyday to clear my mind. I have found the gym to be therapeutic for me. I strength train and do some cardio (running is the devil, so I keep that to a minimum). 

Finding Your Voice Again

It’s time to break free from “we”. It will be strange and different, revising your language, but it’s time to take back control of your life and speak your truth. Practice positive affirmations in your mirror everyday, such as:

• I am a strong, independent woman.
• I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!
• I am valuable and worthy. 
• I have a purpose in this world.
• My kids know that I am a great mother, and they need me to be strong and full of grace. 
• I forgive him. (this one is hard)
• I forgive myself for my part in this. (can be equally difficult)

Grieving the Loss of Your Marriage

Safety Concerns 

If you are in a domestic violence situation, I urge you to reach out for support and to have a plan in place that protects you and your kids from the abuser. 

Please reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline for assistance. You can call, chat, or text. Keep in mind that your personal cellular/computer devices may not be the most secure way to reach out as abusers often keep tabs on their victims’ usage. Visit the National DV Hotline website here. 

Getting your Finances in Order

If you don’t work (or only work part-time), try to find employment so that you can start putting money away. Please note: I am not an attorney, so do not take anything written as legal advice. 

Many women devote their lives to raising their children. If you don’t know your skillset, don’t have a college education and haven’t worked in years outside the home, don’t feel defeated. You have an incredible skillset, having managed the household, the family finances, kids’ schedules, and more. 

Starting Over After Divorce With No Money

You can get tons of ideas from that article, but I would urge you to start brainstorming. What makes you happy? What do you love doing so much that you’d do it everyday if you could? 

Once you’ve calculated income, it’s time to decide where you’ll live. Will you stay in the house while your spouse leaves? Will you look for a rental for now? 

Deciding to Stay in the Home or Move Out During Separation

I’ve been divorced twice (not a flex…I’m aware). My first husband was abusive (verbally and physically). When he started being aggressive/hateful and throwing objects across the bedroom in front of my daughter, I put together a quick game plan to get out of that house. It was obvious that staying wasn’t an option.

I very quickly worked on my budget (more on that later), found a two bedroom apartment, and told him that I would be leaving and I was taking our daughter.

My second husband was unfaithful. I’ll never get the whole truth from him about it, but I stayed for six years, trying to move on from it, but we ended up divorcing anyway. There were multiple red flags that I just didn’t see. One of my strengths, the ability to forgive and give someone a second chance, is also a weakness. 

Because I am a damn good negotiator, I was able to convince him to let me have the house and all of the maintenance and responsibility that comes of it. He quickly found a 3 bedroom, 1.5 bath home here in our sleepy beach town for $1600/month. 

Budgeting Before Divorce

You’ll need to put together a sample budget for yourself (and your spouse ) to ensure you’ll be able to pay the bills.  I have tried every planner, spreadsheet, etc to put together a budget, but the best, most simple budgeting binder is this one right here. It offers pockets for each month to put your bills in, and it can easily be spread into 2-4 pay periods for each month.

Related: Budgeting your Money

Now is a good time to compare notes and try to work together. It sounds goofy ,but something so simple as:

• Are you going to share streaming services, such as Netlfix, YouTube TV, Prime video, and more?
• You can set up a temporary parenting plan (visitation) and financial plan through the courts (to discuss alimony and/or child support). Many states have a child support and alimony calculators on their website. Makes it so much easier!
• Will you split the cost of the kids’ expenses. In my option, this needs to be one of the top items on your to-do list.

Budgeting After Divorce

Once you’ve filed and the judge has officially signed off on your divorce, you’ll likely either be paying or receiving child support and alimony. Because of this, you’ll need to revise your original budget. 

Side Note: You may also decide to be more frugal, cutting costs where you can.

Related: 17 Things Frugal People Usually Don’t Do

Building Emergency Savings

Now, Dave Ramsey would say to just save up $1,000 in a “baby emergency fund“, $1,000 i better than $0! Once you’ve nailed down your budget and have a clear path to paying your bills, look at how much you have left and try to put a good amount into a savings account.  There’s a fine balance between saving for emergencies and using that leftover money to pay off debt faster.

Trust me, though…if you don’t have an emergency fund, you’ll end up putting unexpected expenses on a credit card, and that just isn’t ideal.

Rebuilding Your Life

Setting Realistic Goals

It’s time to get to work. Let’s manifest some solid, realistic goals. Set SMART goals – Be very specific with what you want to achieve.

Here are a few ideas to get you brainstorming:

• Go back to school to earn either a certificate (Radiography Tech, Esthetician, Cosmetology, Truck Driving (CDL), Bachelor degree, or if you already have a Bachelor’s degree, go for your Master’s degree. Level up your education. The sky is the limit! 
• Pay off all unsecured debt – These credit cards and unsecured loans are higher interest rates, and they are just blockers for living the life you deserve! Time to take care of that debt once and for all!
• Increase your income – If you already have a job (or more than one), you may be thinking of ways to increase income. You could always shoot your shot at work and ask for a merit raise or apply for a promotion. You can also do side jobs. I have earned consistent income from this very blog. Everyone has unique talents and gifts, and it’s our job share these with the world!

Creating a Vision Board

A vision board is a tangible way to keep track of your progress and goals. You can buy a large poster board and cut pages out of magazines and/or books, or you can create a digital vision board. 

Vision boards are a great way to keep your goals and dreams close by so that you can measure your progress and adjust if necessary.

To put things into perspective, I had a goal to earn six figures from my blog. So I manifested $100,000/annual income. I have never earned that much from this blog, but I did land a career in tech (with no degree) earning more than $100k. I guess you can say I’m a big believer in speaking your goals into existence. Having a detailed vision board truly helps!

Parenting Post-Divorce

Co-Parenting

If you have kids together, you’ll likely have to take a course on co-parenting offered through your State. Have a candid discussion with your ex about how to lessen the pain on the kids. Here are a few things that have worked for us as co-parents:

• Speaking only regarding the kids. Nothing more, nothing less.
• Attending sporting events and choosing to sit near (or next to) one another so that your child doesn’t have to look for both parents on the sidelines. This is a non-negotiable for us.
• Working together with regards to discipline. The kids will try to test each of you to see what they can get away with. Sometimes you may need backup, and this is one of those situations where you’d call the ex as a reinforcement.
• Sticking to the schedule. Respect the other parent’s time with the kids and don’t blow up their phone when they’re with the other parent. Don’t be late for pickup and drop off (unless you’ve already communicated). 
• When it comes to holidays, determine which holidays you’ll have the kids and plan your hot cocoa and caroling trips for when they’re with you. Don’t skip out on holiday traditions because Christmas looks a little different this year. 
• Try to maintain as much normalcy as possible. Don’t veer too far off the path of what the kids are used to. Change is hard for adult, and it is harder for kids.

Effectively Maintaining Open Communication

My first ex-husband was a real jerk. He used to call me and pick fights over the phone, yelling and cursing at me. I finally got to a point where I would tell him “If you’re going to yell and cuss at me, I will hang up. Do you have anything important to talk about regarding our daughter?” and it usually calmed him down. Phone, text, email…whatever your preferred method of communication is, there should be set hours that are off limits except for emergencies (super early in the morning or late at night, for instance). 

Creating a Harmonious Household

This sounds like I’m going to ask you to have you kids give up their phones or gaming systems and to start doing more chores. That’s not the case at all. Try to keep your home as comfortable and smooth-running as possible. Keep a family calendar so that everyone is aware of what’s happening when. Keep up with the laundry and enlist the kids to help. I’ve been guilty of going to sleep with a load full of clean clothes on the opposite side of the bed. Let’s not do that. 

Balancing Your Child’s Needs with Yours

Everyone grieves differently, and everyone loves differently. My 11 and 13 year olds love affection. They love cuddling up on the couch to watch a movie. My son enjoys sports, so we often practice kicking a soccer ball or shooting hoops. My daughter loves painting, so once in a while we’ll drag out her art supplies and have an art party. 

While they may seem like they’re handling things just fine, it’s important that you ask them how they are doing. You know your kids better than anyone else, and in this 1:1 time, you should be able to tell if they need additional support.

Seeking Support for Your Children

Sometimes, children really need therapy from a neutral party. They are afraid to say what’s really on their minds, so they might say one thing to one parent and sing a completely different tune to the other.

They certainly don’t want to hurt their parents, but it’s not their job to take care of you. It’s your job to be strong and make sure that your kids are strong, healthy, and happy. 

Therapy can get pretty expensive, but luckily many employers offer an EAP, or Employee Assistance Program, which covers up to 3-6 visits to a licensed therapist or counselor. Check with your employer to see if this is an option. 

Finding Love Again

You may think you’re ready to start dating right away, and you may be. But if you still have some unresolved trauma or issues, another person isn’t going to heal that hurt. They might distract you for awhile, but you’ve got to work through your own demons.

Healing Your Heart

How do you begin to heal a wound you can’t see? As a believer, I leaned heavily on God to get me through these dark times. I prayed and meditated, joined Celebrate Recovery, used my EAP benefit to get therapy, and prayed some more. 

Letting Go of the Past

You have to forgive in order to move on. I know it’s not something most want to hear, but you aren’t forgiving them for them. You’re doing it for yourself. You can’t truly move on if you still harbor resentment for your kids’ dad. Let go and let God.

Dating with Confidence

Oh, dating in your 40’s….not quite as fun as it was in my 20’s. I went on a single date with two different men. I met these men off Tinder and Bumble. I thought dating apps were the only way to meet a man, so I put myself out there, and there are some real sleeze balls on these apps. One called himself the “alpha male” and just thought too highly of himself. The other read the room terribly wrong and shoved his tongue down my throat after our date. In fact, it was just after he joked with the waiter that I was buying because I was the one who asked him out…

Building Trust Again

When you’ve experienced infidelity or abuse, it can be difficult to put yourself out there and actually let your walls down. But I know for a fact it is possible because I have found my person. He is far from perfect, and we have had to navigate through some life stuff, but he is perfect for me. We challenge each other to be better…do better…and we are healing together.

Navigating New Relationships & Blended Families

This is where it gets hairy, especially when you both have kids. How long do you wait to meet the kids?

During my childhood, I witnessed my Mom get married 5 times and my Dad was married twice. My grandparents were divorced, and my Papa remarried my Granny just after I was born. So blended families have always been part of my life. 

Naturally, I assumed that if we are all-in on this relationship, we would meet each other’s kids. But here’s the deal…the kids need time to process their own feelings. They didn’t ask for their parents to get divorced, and neither did I all those years ago. I am learning how to be patient and trust my man. He will know when the time is right because they are his kids. This is tough for me because I was the primary decision maker for 15 years. But I am learning how to “be” in my soft girl era (feminine era), and letting him take the lead is so refreshing! 

You Don’t Have to be Lonely

When I am alone, I tend to spin out. My head goes in a million different directions, and I struggle to catch my breath. Anxiety can be crippling if you don’t take control of your thoughts.

Since my partner and I have our kids on opposite weeks, it is challenging to get alone time. It’s a true test for our relationship, but so far, so good! 

It’s important to stay in the loop – make your partner communicate with you and involve you in everyday life stuff…even if it’s just to Facetime for a bit. 

Find hobbies or friend groups that you can spend time with when you don’t have the kids. I enjoy painting furniture, so I could sit all day and paint pieces. It’s therapeutic for me. 

Maybe you enjoy golfing with the girls or thrifting or going out to lunch with friends. You can also volunteer for an organization that matters to you. This is a great way to fill your cup when you’re down!

Starting Over After Divorce Can Be Scary

If you have a plan in place, you can do this! Just start with the financials and where you’ll live and take it one step at a time. When we said our vows at the altar, we were not prepared for something like this to happen to us. We believed in our Happy Ever After. But please know that you are not broken…you are not discarded….you are a beautiful, wonderful work of art, created by God, in his image. And he has BIG plans for you, sis!

Life is a collection of memories and experiences. There are ups and downs. I am so grateful for God’s grace and am on the journey to a renewed spirit, free of perfectionism. Perfection Hangover offers the sober truth – no filter.