51) How much do board members get?
Nothing. They should all be investors. If they aren’t an investor, then one-half of 1 percent.
52) What if one client is almost all of my revenues?
Treat them very nicely. Don’t forget the Christmas gift basket.
53) What’s the best way to sell anything?
Show arbitrage: If they pay X, now they are buying something worth X * Y. That is the ONLY way to sell.
54) What is the best way to sell anything?
Part II: fear and agitation.
Get them afraid: The world is falling apart!
Then get them agitated: This is the only way to stop it.
55) What’s the best way to talk about my competition in a meeting?
Use “choice ambiguity” (Google it). Say, “All of my competition is great. I wouldn’t even know how to choose among them.”
56) What’s the best way to value a company?
Ask yourself (no BS): How much would it cost to recreate the technology, services, brand, and customers you have already built. Then quadruple it and see what people would pay.
57) How do I charge more for my services?
Itemize as finely as possible and charge for each item.
58) Do I charge per hour, per project, or per month?
First per project, then per-month maintenance.
59) How do I prepare for a meeting?
Know everything about the clients. Their competition, employees, industry. Over-read everything.
60) What is the only effective email marketing?
Highly targeted email marketing written by professional copywriters, and an email list made up of people who have bought similar services in the past six months.
60a) Corollary: If you have zero skills as a copywriter, then everything you write will be boring.
61) Should I give stuff away for free?
Maybe. But don’t expect free customers to turn into paying customers. Your free customers actually hate you and want everything from you for nothing, so you better have a different business model.
62) Should I have schwag?
No.
63) Should I go to SXSW?
No.
64) Should I go to industry parties and meetups?
No.
65) Should I hire people because I can travel on a seven-hour plane ride with them?
Don’t be an idiot. If anything, hire people the opposite of you. Or else, who will you delegate to?
66) When should I say “no” to a client?
When they approach you.
67) When should I say “yes” to a client?
Every other conversation you ever have with them after that initial “no.”
68) Should I have sex with an employee?
Stop asking that.
69) Should I negotiate the best terms with a VC?
No. Pick the VC you like. Times are going to get tough at some point, and you need to be able to have a heart-to-heart with them.
70) Should I even start a business?
No. Make money. Build shit. Then start a business.
71) Should I give employees bonuses for a job well done?
No. Give them gifts but not bonuses.
72) What should I do at Christmas?
Send everyone you know a gift basket.
73) If my customer just got divorced, what should I say to him?
“I can introduce you to lots of women/men.”
74) Why didn’t the VC or customer call back after we met yesterday and it was great?
They hate you.
75) Why didn’t the above call back after we met yesterday and it was great?
“Yesterday” was like a split second ago for them and a lifetime for you. There’s the law of entrepreneurial relativity. Figure out what that means and live by it.
76) Should I hire a professional CEO?
No. Never.
77) Should I hire a head of sales?
No. The founder is the head of sales until at least 10 million in sales.
78) My client called at 3 a.m. Should I tell him to respect boundaries?
No. You no longer have any boundaries.
79) My investors want me to focus.
Should you listen to them? No. Diversify in every way you can.
80) I personally need money. Should I borrow from the business?
Only if the business can survive for another six months no matter what.
81) I just bought two companies. Should I put them under the same roof and start consolidating?
No. Not for at least two years.
82) What do I do when I have doubts?
Ask your customers if your doubts are trustworthy.
83) I have too much competition. What should I do?
Competition is good. It shows you have a decent business model. Now simply outperform them.
84) My wife/husband thinks I spend too much time on my startup.
Divorce them or close your business.
85) I’m starting my business, but I have relationship problems. What should I do?
Get rid of your relationship.
86) Should I expand geographically as quickly as possible?
No. Get all the business you can in your local area. Travel is too expensive time-wise.
87) How do I keep clients from yelling at me?
Document every meeting line-by-line, and send your document to the client right after the meeting.
88) I have an idea for an app but don’t know how to execute. What should I do?
Draw every screen and function. Then outsource someone to make the drawings look like they come from a real app. Then outsource the development of the app.
Get a specific schedule. Micromanage the schedule.
89) I want to buy a franchise in X. Is that a good idea?
Only buy a franchise if it’s underperforming and you can see how to improve it. Don’t buy on future hopes; only buy on past mistakes.
90) I want to buy a franchise in X. Is that a good idea?
Rely on the three Ds: death, debt, divorce.
When someone dies, the heirs will sell a business cheap.
When someone is in debt, they will sell a business cheap.
When someone divorces, the couple usually has to sell a business cheap.
IMPORTANT: Even if the trends in the industry are in your favor, you CANNOT predict the future. But you can use the past to help you get a deal. Always get a deal.
91) I have no traffic. How do I get traffic?
Shut down your business.
92) Should I hire a PR firm?
No. Do guerilla marketing. Read “Newsjacking” and “Trust Me, I’m Lying.”
PR firms screw up from beginning to end. The first time I hired a PR firm, instead of sending me my contract, they accidentally sent me their contract for “Terry Bradshaw.” He was paying $12,000 a month. Was it worth it for him?
93) My competition is doing better than me across every metric. What should I do?
Don’t be afraid to instantly shut down your business and start over if you can’t sell it. Time is a horrible thing to waste.
94) Is it unethical to run my business from the side while still at my job?
I don’t know. Did God tell you that in a dream?
95) My customer called me at 5 p.m. on a Friday and said, “We have to talk.” And now I can’t talk to him until Monday. What does it mean?
It means you’re fired.
96) XYZ just sold for $100 million. Should I be valued at that? I’m better!
No, you should shut up.
97) Investors want to meet me and customers want to meet me. Who do I meet if I need money?
You should know the answer to that by now.
98) If an acquirer asks me why I want to sell, what should I say?
That you feel it would be easier for you to grow in the context of a bigger company that has experienced the growing pains you are just starting to go through. That 1 + 1 = 45.
99) I just started my business. What should I do?
Sell it as fast as possible (applies in 99 percent of situations). Sell for cash.
100) I can change the world with my technology.
No you can’t.
100a) Corollary: Don’t smoke crack.
101) If you’re so smart, why aren’t you a billionaire?
Because I sold my businesses early, lost everything, started new businesses, sold them, and got lucky every now and then.
101a) Corollary: These rules don’t always apply. But like Kurt Vonnegut said, “If you want to break the rules of grammar, first learn the rules of grammar.”
RULE #infinity: You create your luck by being healthy and not regretting the past or being anxious about the future.
